My Smarty Pants Phone

MY SMARTY PANTS PHONE

JUNE HOPKINS

 

I have acquired a new phone – a SMART phone! I think it should be called a smart alec phone or a smarty pants phone. Lurking in its interior is a merciless, malevolent entity which seems determined to shame me at every opportunity. It goes by the innocuous name of Auto-Correct. Its alias is Predictive Text.

In old phone, if I wanted to start a word with C, I pressed the number 1 button three times as it carried A,B and C, and so on. Miraculously , my new phone seems to anticipate the word I want to use, before my fingers do!.

I compose a polite missive to send to a dignified person I know only slightly, asking for a small favour concluding with ‘I hope this doesn’t inconvenience you.’ The message changes to, ‘I hope this doesn’t incontinence you.’ Her reply was a single question mark.

I ‘m appalled when I learn my message saying hello to my friend, Emily,( who I address as Emie) usually arrive as ‘Hi Emu.’ My nephew, Eril received a text from me saying Hello Evil.

My grandchild forgot to take his Epi Pen with him, I messaged his school asking if I could drop off his epic penis.

I text a friend that I had an issue with someone, which needs mediation. Her reply was two words. ‘Menstruation? Why?’

I advise my friend that I am home from holidays. She rings me and asks when did I come out as homosexual?

I commence a message of sympathy to my dear friend with Dead Friend.

I need to take a deep breath and slow down. You can send me a text to conglomerate with me if you like.