Am I Fine?

AM I FINE?

JAMIESON RENDALL

 

Eleven thirty, good the train will be here soon. Two minutes if there isn’t a delay. Who am I kidding- there will be a delay its Metro after all. It’s done now you’ve put everything you know on that page, and let’s face it you know a lot, or you know some stuff about literature. You know a decent passable amount about the books we read this semester – I’ll be fine.

Don’t come this way. Don’t meet my eye. Look down. Look down. “Yes, this train does go to Clayton”. Smile. Oh god I should not have smiled. “Yes, it is sunny.” Where is the train? Go away. Go away. Why won’t he leave? Ah the train…

Is he following me? There six seats and only one is free. He cannot follow me. Sit down, rest your shoulders. Put your headphones on, let Paul Kelly take you away. What is that? A hand? His hand. Why is his hand on my arm? How did I not notice the seat across the aisle was free? Why did he take that seat? Why is his hand on my arm? Show your displeasure, let him know he is to take his hand off you. NOW! “Thank-you.” Why am I thanking him? His hand is gone – I’ll be fine.

Oh god, he is staring. He is talking to me. Tell him you have a boyfriend. Tell him you are married. Tell him to fuck off. “No, I am single.” Fuck why can’t I lie? Is it really that hard to lie, it could save your life? Please someone notice me, see me, help me. This train is full of people.

Clayton. He said he was going to Clayton. My stop is after that, he has to get off before me. We just passed Oakleigh. I just have to wait a few more stops, if he does not get off then I can start. Start what? I am small and weigh nothing: what am I going to start? Get your keys out, if you need to use them as a weapon. Get your phone out make him think there is someone waiting for you. “My dad he is picking me up from the station.” What now I can lie, where was this lie expert when I needed it? He will get off at Clayton – I’ll be fine.

Huntingdale, good one more stop. Fuck someone help me. Meet my eye. Look at me. There is a man twice my size making unwanted advances, does no one see this? Oh god do I look like I want this? Am I sending the wrong signals? What if he thinks I am flirting? When did being polite equal flirting?

Next stop Clayton. Next stop Clayton. Get up the platform is approaching. Walk to the door. Why is he not moving? Others are moving. The train has stopped he is not moving. Oh, God. Help! I am not fine. This is not fine. “Good bye.” Shit. I am fine.